A (Self) Love Story...
First, be your own Valentine. Plus quotes to inspire and a Sunday smile.
Valentine’s Day is approaching, and with it a steady bombardment of cupids, red roses, boxed chocolates, etc. And while I’m a sucker for a good love story, I also know before we can write one (romantic or otherwise), we must first love ourselves…
I can still remember the excitement I felt filling out those tiny Valentine cards in grade school (I was partial to the Peanuts variety) and stuffing them into the heart covered cardboard box at the front of the classroom. And even though I usually had a crush on one boy or another, back then, it had nothing to do with romance. We were all just excited to give and receive little notes and eat cupcakes covered in frosting laden with Red Dye #2 with some sprinkles on top.
This was before puberty. Before I stood in front of the mirror praying my hair would feather like Farrah’s. Before the prettiest girl in the class, my 8th grade BFF, started “going with” the boy I had confided I had a crush on. Before I gained 30 plus pounds after getting my first period at age 14 and that same friend said “you would be so pretty if you just lost some weight.”
It was before I stopped believing my mom when she told me I was beautiful.
Looking back, loving myself as a child, in the “before” space, was effortless. Life was defined for that brief moment in time, and even in a home with 3 older brothers, as the baby and only girl I felt special and loved. But somewhere along the way, as I rolled out into the world beyond the warm embrace of home, what was once easy and organic became a more complicated matter.
There are myriad things that start to chip away at our self-love and self esteem when we are young; a collection of insults that penetrate and imprint. I was lucky to have a mother who poured her soul into creating a solid, loving foundation for me, but even the strongest of foundations crack, and no amount of love can fully shield us.
Societal messaging has always been a powerful force, and shaped the way many of us thought about and judged each other and ourselves. As women of a certain age, many of us were conditioned to think that we had to be thin, pretty and nice to be lovable. I grew up with 3 older brothers, and was sometimes called “bossy.” My mom loved this, as it was a sign that her daughter could hold her own, but the moniker was otherwise not meant as a compliment. Diet culture was rampant, and you would be hard pressed to find a home without a Weight Watchers scale in the kitchen. Pretty was a mostly homogeneous affair in the 80’s, widely depicted as tall, thin and blonde- three things I was not as a teenager. And then there’s that pesky negativity bias, an evolutionary relic that amplifies the less-than feelings and drowns out all evidence to the contrary.
Fast forward to my 20’s and the teen angst and insecurity starts to fall away. I’m doing the things I think I should- college, law school, and marriage all in swift succession. I am feeling mostly good about myself and life. I have set out on a clear path, paving the way to independence and financial security, something that was very important to me having grown up without surplus. I don’t yet know that I will hate being a lawyer. I don’t yet know that I will feel constrained by a young marriage to the guy who was perfect on paper but not so much in real life. And I don’t yet know that there is a creative being residing within who will one day insist on being set free in spite of her reticence.
I also don’t yet know to say “f*ck you” to the shoulds in life.
I enter my 30s by exiting my ho-hum marriage; it’s not so bad, but it’s also not so good. I don’t know at this point if I want kids, but I do know that I don’t want them with him. I did try to make it work, moving from my home state of Florida to New Jersey when he was unhappy, supporting his professional development while putting mine on a back burner. But ultimately, the connection was lost. I don’t realize at the time that leaving the security of this marriage is actually a radical act of self-love. I felt like I had failed, and I beat myself up more than a little over it.
Still, I am learning to love myself better.
I fall in love again, this time with a guy who is not exactly perfect on paper, but who sees me in a way I have never felt seen. Who checks boxes I didn’t even know existed. An old boyfriend once said to me “love is the way someone makes you feel about yourself,” and with this relationship, I finally understood what he meant.
We marry years later, we nest and I settle into my life as a wife and stepmom to two young boys. Following my mother’s lead, I pour my soul in. I leave behind my dream city (NY) after a couple of short years (on the promise that we would someday go back) and head across the river to New Jersey so we can live close to the boys’ other home. Paradoxically, just as I was really starting to find myself, I also began to lose myself a little. In the obligations. In the deference out of a desire for harmony. In the vortex of work, kids and life. In the shoulds.
I continue to both find and lose myself through my 40’s, but I also begin to think about this lost and found cycle a bit differently. I start to see it as a growth proposition. It becomes clearer to me that personal development and progress is not at all linear; that we have to zig and zag and move in circles sometimes to learn and to become. That the two steps back are sometimes necessary to broaden the field of view and allow for expanded perspective.
When I realize this truth, I finally fall fully in love with myself. I find a new, luxurious comfort in my own skin and at last, I give myself permission to transform. I come to see this self love as the portal to a fully embodied life.
Now in my mid-50s, this love and acceptance has enabled me to shed so many of the things that held me back when I was younger- the shoulds, the need for approval, the quest for perfectionism. It’s like an emotional Swiss Army Knife, a utility tool that can file down the rough edges of fear, cut away the cord that ties self worth to outcome, and carve out space- space to fully inhabit. At 55, I’ve learned the true importance of showing grace, both to myself and to others. I feel more present, aligned and plugged into life than ever before.
Like any other love affair, the relationship we have with ourselves takes work. It must be cultivated and nurtured. For me, that means being intentional about the energy I allow to surround me, and finding daily ways to nourish my mind, body and soul. It means asking for what I want and need. It does not mean an end to all struggle, and there are times I have to remind myself to be kind to the middle aged woman staring back at me in the mirror with her gravity-challenged jowls, collegan-deprived skin and gray hair (thank you
for introducing us to mirror meditation). Self doubt, insecurity, feelings of inadequacy, fear of failure- these things still find their way in, and I haven’t quite gotten to zero fcks given, but ultimately, (self) love really does conquer all. And box of dark chocolate hearts doesn’t hurt either…❤️Quotes to inspire self-love
“I must undertake to love myself and to respect myself as though my very life depends upon self-love and self-respect” -Maya Angelou
“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”—Buddha
“To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance.”—Oscar Wilde
“How you love yourself is how you teach others to love you.”—Rupi Kaur
“My mission, should I choose to accept it, is to find peace with exactly who and what I am. To take pride in my thoughts, my appearance, my talents, my flaws and to stop this incessant worrying that I can’t be loved as I am.”―Anaïs Nin
Sunday Smile
Happy (almost) Valentine’s Day! I’m so grateful you are here ❤️
Dina xx
First, I love the title of your piece and the boyfriend who told you that love is how someone makes you feel about yourself. Thank you for bearing a bit of your soul to help us reflect on self love as we enter ready, willing and able into this new part of life. A wonderful read!
A powerful and evocative piece, Dina. Self-love. In a world where we equate goodness and kindness with doing for others, self-love seemed selfish to me. Like you, I have found the right people (and a bit of myself along the way), and damn, loving myself feels pretty good, I must say!
Brava, my friend.