Blame it on Love

Moving sidewalks, infinite connection, and a quick reminder that love is everywhere if you only just look.

Happy Valentine’s Day! 

I wasn’t planning to post today, but sometimes the feelings fill me fast and simply can’t be contained. Like a vessel that is at capacity and can’t hold any more until some of its contents are released, today I am spilling out a big puddle of love for us to splash around together.

A little background. As some of you know, I lost my beloved mother in September 2022, and while I have written some about how this profound loss and grief has reshaped me, I honestly think I am still in the process of metabolizing the reality of it all, which can still feel new somedays.

But this is not a story about grief. This is a story about love and infinite connection, and seeing what is right before our eyes. Am I a little woo woo? For sure. But I believe with all of my heart that love comes from deep within the soul, and that the soul never dies. The famous Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh teaches that there is no birth and no death, there is only transformation. 

One of the most surprising residual effects from the loss is a feeling of heightened presence. It’s hard to explain, but I would describe it as a deeper awareness of self in the sense of where I am and what I’m doing at any given moment, and a new-found need to truly experience it. Without thinking about the list of things to do. Without worrying about what’s next. And without fear, which is actually something I’ve been trying to get to for most of my life. It’s a new kind of mindfulness that has opened me, and has enabled me to see and feel things I might have missed before. For example, hearts. Everywhere, hearts.

This summer as I walked along the beach thinking about my mom and collecting shells as we frequently did when I was young, I looked down and found a red rock in the shape of a heart. Like at the precise moment I was thinking about her. Over months this turned into an extensive heart rock collection. I started exclusively wearing my leggings with side pockets on my daily walks so I could fill them with all manner of heart rocks.

When she was near the end of her life, I told my mom I would talk to her every day, and that I knew she would find ways to talk back. As it turns out, she speaks in hearts. I love this form of communication. Special little gifts there for the taking when my eyes and mind are open; little objects that make me feel connected to her in ways I didn’t realize would be possible.

I am incredibly lucky to spend some of the winter months in Miami, the place where I grew up. Our winter migration started with the pandemic, as a means to spend time with my mom, and when she passed, I took some of her ashes and spread them in the bay that I see from my apartment. Right in the line of the sunset, where I watch her glow and shimmer on the water, still shining her big, beautiful light.

There’s a little park next to our place, and I go “visit” with her there most days. This morning, I walked over to bring her a little valentine, a tiny pearl in the shape of a heart. We had a little jewelry design business together, and creating with beads was part of her love language. I sat down on the dock and there, next to me, was a heart. It was actually dried out gum in the shape of a heart- gross, I know, but also, great! I felt her close, and was filled with joy and love.

I continued my walk, and it felt as if I couldn’t go 20 steps without stumbling on a heart in some form. The sidewalk was littered with them. Some etched in, some haphazardly formed from spilled tar or paint. There was a heart-shaped leaf. And then I found a gorgeous little heart rock staring up at me from the dirt on the side of the road- a little rough, full of texture, and a bit imperfect- which feels like a very apt metaphor for life and love.

 Is my mom really speaking to me? I like to think so. But beyond the personal meaning, and my growing collection of hearts, I think the larger idea here is that what we seek, we will find. I might have just put my AirPods in today, turned up the music and shut out the world while getting in my steps. But instead, I was aware and in tune with my environment. I was literally looking for love and connection, and that’s what I found. 

Energy is powerful. I once had a yoga instructor who spoke about Prana, the Sanskrit word to describe life force. She always ended class by saying “where the head goes, energy flows.” We may not be able to control much of anything in this world, but we do have the power to direct our energy and frame our thoughts in ways that can have us stumbling into hearts every single day…

And in the spirit of this post, hit the ❤️ if you like what you see xx

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Here is just a sampling of the lovely constellation of hearts found on my walk today. Moving sidewalks indeed!

Two faves from my summer collection