How to Measure Success
Hint: use your own ruler...
One of the things I find so interesting about meeting new women at this stage of life is the ease with which we can glide right past the small talk and dive head-first into the substance. I think it’s a happy byproduct of age, and the fact that we tend to be less concerned about what people think, about being liked, about fitting in as we get older. All that stuff takes up a lot of our energy when we are younger, masking our vulnerability and preventing us from showing our true selves, a key component of meaningful connection.
I’ve had several recent conversations with women I just met that got straight to the heart, in more ways than one. Talks about sadness over impending empty nests, anticipatory grief for ailing parents, the mourning of a lost libido- all conversations bathed in mutual empathy, without a hint of judgment. Just women in communion, allowing ourselves to be seen, feeling the balm of a grown-up sisterhood.
I was chatting with a new friend a couple of weeks ago, and we got right into it. We were talking about this newsletter and a complementary project I’ve been working on, and she asked me the following: “What does success look like for you?” A seemingly simple question, but I’ve been so busy forging ahead that I hadn’t really taken the time to think about it for a while.
Next week marks the six-month anniversary of this Substack, so I really appreciated the timing of the question. What does success here look like to me? Is it amassing subscribers? Making money from my writing? Putting out great content? Going viral? Creating a supportive community? Connecting with fellow writers and readers? Establishing a consistent writing practice and keeping myself accountable? How do I measure it for myself?
I talked to my new friend about my goals when I started down this path; the ones I thought long and hard about when I made my midlife career pivot back in early 2020. I explained how I wanted to explore and connect with words, to inspire, inform, and maybe even delight. I was also excited about the new possibilities for myself and the opportunities to nurture my own growth and evolution.
I’ve been thinking about that conversation ever since, and about how my perception of success has morphed over time. When I was younger, I defined success, at least in part, by external measures; the things that society valued, the right marks hit, the things that impressed others. Getting a law degree, marrying the good-on-paper guy, buying a home, driving a fancy-ish car, etc. I can remember crossing a certain income threshold, thinking ahh, I’ve made it, even if I wasn’t doing my life’s work. Sure, it felt good, and as a practical matter, allowed me to pay off my student loans faster, but it didn’t light me up or make me feel any more excited about my career at the time. And that’s the thing about external measures- they don’t necessarily match what’s happening internally, and that disconnect can lead to some real confusion (why wouldn’t I want what I’m supposed to want?) and some serious dissatisfaction.
There’s also the external validation that comes when people perceive you as successful; it can temporarily fill a void, but its fleeting nature means you have to chase it to stay full. That’s exhausting, and ultimately, pointless if you're spinning your wheels in the wrong direction.
Even with an acute awareness of all of this, six months in I would be lying if I didn’t acknowledge that I sometimes feel a little bit frustrated, and that I had hoped to be further along at this point. I sometimes find myself asking if this labor-intensive practice is worth the effort. As much as I deeply understand that attaching to outcome is a creativity-killer and a recipe for disappointment, every now and then, being human and all, the feelings find a way in.
But then I read a thoughtful comment, or email from a reader thanking me for something I’ve shared, or telling me that I’ve inspired them or made them feel less afraid about getting older, and I remember. I remember all of the soul searching it took to get here. I remember that I finally feel like I’m doing what I’m meant to do, in and around this midlife space. And the fact that I’ve figured that out? That in itself is its own special kind of success. I don’t need 10K+ subscribers to make me feel like I belong here; if it’s meant, it will happen, but it is not an end-all/be-all for me. My midlife pivot- putting myself out there with the original blog, on IG, and now here (and beyond) has led to a world of possibility, discovery, connection and friendship, and profound personal growth. Feeling finally and fully aligned, and finding meaning in it all feels like sweet success, even if it doesn't look like a runaway success on the outside.
Still, I think this question of what success looks like is an important one to keep asking ourselves. Because the answer is not static, and as we grow and change, our ideas around it will also grow and change. What previously mattered may feel different today. Or tomorrow. We have to keep checking in, monitoring, and adjusting when the psychic gears need recalibrating. If moving toward a goal starts to feel like moving away from your center, it’s time to rethink, and go back to the question.
One of my favorite scenes in The Devil Wears Prada comes at the end, when Andy says to Miranda “what if this isn’t what I want” and Miranda replies, “Oh don’t be ridiculous, Andrea, everybody wants this.” As if there was only one definition, one version of success; as if we all want the same things. And while I wouldn’t mind having the key to Miranda Priestley’s closet, I’m glad, like Andy, that I’ve learned the real key to success is deeply, entirely personal, and that all of the trappings are meaningless if they leave you feeling empty or dissatisfied.
Ultimately, living a life that feels purposeful, moving through it with love and intention, and continuing to connect and evolve- these are the things that make me feel successful at this point in my life. All the rest? Well that’s just gravy…
As always, I am so grateful you are here- your time is precious and it means the world to me that you take some of it to read this newsletter. If you enjoyed this post, please hit the ❤️ to help others find us here, or leave a comment below- I’d love to hear how you are thinking about success, and what it feels like for you these days. And if you know someone who might appreciate, please share. Have a wonderful weekend!
Dina xx
Grateful to have found you too! And now you have given me something to learn/think about- you would think after attending 12 years of Catholic school I would be familiar with the Ignatian spiritual excercises- you may have to enlighten me! Hugs right back and so happy you enjoyed...xo
Nodding along over here, Dina. Channeling my inner Andy has been a beautiful, often difficult, journey. The conditioning runs so deep! But it's a rich and rewarding experience to forge the path that makes sense to our own hearts.