Meet Me Between Effort and Ease

On fewer f*cks given and finding the midlife sweet spot…

When I initially sat down to write this post, I started with a different title: F*cks Given- A Sliding Scale. For a long time now, probably starting around 2016 with the book The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, there’s been much talk of a sort of zero f*cks given ethos. And while I understand the empowerment and liberation in the concept, I actually still do give some f*cks, which I thought would be fun to explore in a comparative way. Something akin to f*cks given at 35 v. f*cks given at 55. Spoiler alert, 20 years later, there are many, many fewer f*cks, and I give them very judiciously now. Or as the wise

Kim France

recently said on her podcast Everything is Fine with Jenn Romolini, the f*cks are more targeted now.

Happy to have lost something other than my keys and glasses in midlife! Screenshot a long while back from @50forwardclub IG

I didn’t get very far into the writing before the day started to devolve, despite my best efforts to sit down early and tune out the world for a few hours. There was one little annoyance after another, and as I inched closer to risking psychic death by 1000 cuts, I decided to leave behind the wreckage of spilled chia seeds that reached every crevice of my kitchen and run to a lunch time yoga class for a reset.

 As I struggled to flow in the heat, not only with my slippery balance but with the distraction of trying to avoid being sprayed by the almost cartoonish projectile sweat coming off of the guy next to me, the instructor offered this:

“Meet me between effort and ease.” 

As the words left her mouth and floated through the thick, humid studio air, I grabbed them, one syllable at a time, and held on to them tightly for the rest of the class. Something in those words spoke to a deep and immediate need, and even in the savasana quiet, they continued to whisper in my ear. I walked home lifted and inspired to shift gears on the f*cks given piece.

Only when I sat back down to write, I realized that it wasn’t actually a pivot at all; that these concepts- f*cks given (or not), and the space between effort and ease- are actually connected. Both speak to knowing ourselves, to understanding the things that really matter, to approaching balance, to finding meaning and to directing our precious and finite energy. 

Both speak to the sweet spot in life. 

When I tell younger women that I wouldn’t go back to 25, 35, or even my 40’s, I can sometimes smell the doubt they unknowingly emit as they politely listen. And with some of my contemporaries, it’s more like “are you crazy!?” as they unfurl a long scroll of age-related indignities that they would happily travel back in time to reverse. “Getting old sucks” is a refrain I have heard more than a few times. I get it, I do, and I don’t disagree that some of this shit is incredibly challenging, both mentally and physically. In my mind all of the songs out there proclaiming “don’t know what you got ‘till it’s gone” are referring to estrogen! Who knew it had such magical powers?

And I would give just about anything to have my mom back, but that is not how life works. 

But all of that abundant estrogen didn’t curtail the inordinate number of f*cks I gave in those earlier years- I wasted enough energy giving them to fuel a rocket ship. Worrying about doing the right thing, saying the wrong thing, what people thought of me, whether so and so liked me, whether I was good enough, smart enough, cool enough, whether my life seemed “perfect” enough to the outside observer. Worrying backwards and worrying forwards. And when your energy flows to giving all of those f*cks, it’s hard to use it to find that sweet spot between effort and ease; that place of true presence and peace.  

I’m not writing off those younger years in any way- just as in nature, there is great beauty in all of our seasons.  

But perspective is powerful and propelling. As we move forward through time and space, the view of the back field opens up and expands greatly, allowing us to see the blind spots and minefields of our youth. It wasn’t that we weren’t good enough or smart enough to see them back then; we were just operating from a more confined space.

As we move into midlife and beyond, we have the benefit of a much larger life map to work from; we have surveyed a lot of territory, and with each passing year we learn to navigate more confidently, instinctively and intuitively, with past experience serving as both gyroscope and lantern. The line running from effort to ease and ease to effort becomes easier to trace and traverse. So many of the f*cks have fallen away, allowing us to focus on what really matters in our lives, and freeing us from those confined spaces we painfully contorted ourselves to fit into when we were doing all that worrying; giving all of those f*cks. 

My current day f*cks given look a lot different than my 35-year old ones. Again, there are many fewer, and these days they have a lot less to do with ego and much more to do with alignment. And I’ve come to realize that being aligned in life is key to living in truth; to honoring ourselves and our people, to connecting on the deepest level, and to moving forward with intentionality. Key to finding that beautiful sweet spot.

Look forward to seeing you there…

Dina xx

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Mood Salad Links & Recs

I digest a lot of content as I read, listen and watch through my midlife lens, and I’ll share links and recommendations with you that I find interesting, funny, delicious, or otherwise worth a quick click. 

• Absolutely visible: 40+ models are taking over the runway.

• Last week I asked Gwen Miller-Aceto about styling for a shape-shifting meno body; here the NYT’s fashion director and chief fashion critic Vanessa Friedman addresses the question, and if you read it for only one reason, let it be Jill Kargman’s quote…

• Over 30% of adults in the US are single, and some of them wouldn’t have it any other way.

• ICYMI- this piece from

  Lyn Slater
  is a beautiful reflection on shedding old identities, reimagining life and creative evolution.

• I recently linked Jessica Bennett’s amazing piece on E. Jean Carroll, and now you can listen to her discuss it and so much more on the above-mentioned always entertaining Everything is Fine Podcast

• Just finished binging One Day on Netflix, and I never wanted it to end. I confess I hadn’t read the 2009 bestselling David Nicholls book or seen the original movie, so it was all new to me. I devoured it, staying up way too late and getting way too attached to Emma and Dex, who first meet the night of their college graduation and whom we visit with every July 15th starting in 1988, following their lives over the course of 20 years as they grow, sometimes in tandem, sometimes not, always in each other’s hearts. It’s the kind of show that makes you feel everything, and beautifully captures the human condition in all of its messiness and glory. Bonus love for all of the delicious nostalgia- landlines, answering machines, mix tapes, etc., a topic that

  sam baker
  so sharply and thoughtfully wrote about yesterday.

Happy Friday! I’m so grateful you are here. If you enjoyed this post, please hit the ❤️ to help others find me and this growing community…