Old(er) ≠ Bad
On changing our societal factory settings and throwing down the ladder to younger women
“Each time I say I’m turning 30, I cringe a little.” This was the opening line of an essay penned in 2021 by that year’s Miss USA, Cheslie Kryst, who was also an attorney with an MBA degree and a high-profile job as an Emmy award-nominated correspondent on the entertainment news show Extra. This incredibly accomplished young woman went on to say that “turning 30 feels like a cold reminder that I’m running out of time in society’s eyes- and it’s infuriating.” Less than a year later, just shy of turning 31, she died by suicide.
I learned about Cheslie through news of her shocking death, and for a long time I couldn’t get the story out of my head. Obviously there was much more going on than a fear of the implications of aging, but it saddened me to my core to think about somebody so young feeling such intense pressure from the weight of fucked up cultural narratives, societal expectations and the passage of time. In her memoir that was published after her death (with the help of her mother), she said that she carried with her “an unshakable feeling” that she didn’t belong, and battled an inner voice that constantly repeated “never enough.” Heartbreaking, and sadly, feelings I think we have all experienced to some degree, particularly in our younger lives before we’ve found our footing.
I hadn’t thought about her story for a while, but over the past few weeks I’ve had the privilege to speak to some amazing women in their 20s, and those conversations reinforced the idea that I want to use this space to reach them too, through my words and stories, and through yours as well. Because we have the power to impact the way they see themselves and the way they think about age. We can help to demystify the process for them, and make it feel a whole lot less scary. And we can show them by example that they will ultimately shed so much of the shit that burdens and holds us back when we are young- the fear of judgment, the quest for perfection, the fear of failure, the seeking of external validation, etc., etc. By providing a little psychic roadmap of sorts, we can give them a glimpse into what can be a very hopeful future- one full of possibility and new beginnings (as opposed to the notion that it’s all just crises, endings, and wrinkles). And maybe, just maybe, if we are loud enough, we can change the cultural conversation and chip away at arcane narratives that hurt us all.
But first, we have to think about the ways we talk to and about ourselves, and about aging in general. “Ugh, I’m old” is a refrain I hear often in conversations with women, and I fully admit I’m guilty of uttering it myself, usually with some explicative attached as I limp out of bed in the morning, post-pilates, having tweaked my hip yet again. Or as I stare in the mirror and pull my face up and back “just to see” how I might look with help of a good plastic surgeon (and then I remember this sage advice).
Then there’s the kind language we mindlessly use, like saying someone looks good “for their age.” I have had to work on this one too. It’s like we have a societal factory setting, where we’ve been programmed to think in a simple, binary way; old=bad, young=good. Take the recent lifestyle/shopping newsletter I received that promised to show me how to wear my summer whites in a way that skewed more coastal, less grandma. Tongue and cheek for sure, but these things, even when said in jest, are insidious, and feed right into the old is bad (and unsexy) narrative. The good news is factory settings are adjustable. We can rewire our minds, and change the old, familiar tape that’s been playing on a loop courtesy of an ageist, misogynist and consumerist culture that benefits from our faulty thinking.
Back to my inspiration for this piece- the women in their 20s that gave me hope that it’s not all fear and angst when it comes to age and this generation, and who reminded me that it’s incumbent on us to throw down the ladder and show them that there is beauty to be found on each and every rung.
I was shopping when I struck up a conversation with one of these women- while she searched online for the pants I didn’t need but had to have because they were sold out, we were chatting about my writing and this newsletter. I told her that although I write through my midlife lens and speak to the 40+ woman, I also hoped that younger women would read it and feel less daunted by the prospect of getting older. I explained how I try to keep it real always (yes, there’s plenty of shit to contend with), but focus on the gifts of age; the wisdom, the confidence, the expanded perspective and the freedom, among many others. She told me about how so many of her middle-aged customers berate themselves: nothing fits, nothing looks good, I’m fat, I’m old, I look awful, etc. That old cultural tape playing again and again, with a (not so) bonus reel featuring impossible beauty standards.
Needless to say, witnessing this despair does not exactly make a young woman look forward to getting older. It made me sad to hear, but also genuinely happy to have the opportunity to engage and try to tell a different story. Thank you, K, for listening, subscribing, and inspiring me. Oh, and thank you for trying to locate those pants that I am still thinking about!
Next up, I reconnected with one of my son’s friends at his 30th birthday party. She’s a thoughtful young woman who has always been wise beyond her 20-something years, and she told me that she and her friends talk a lot about the future and about getting older. And how they want to hear our stories, because, in her words, “we want to be prepared for what’s coming.” This was beautiful music to my ears. It made me think about my reasons for starting this venture in the first place, among them the idea to share information and experiences (the good, the bad, and the ugly) to make it a little bit easier for those coming up behind me.
Weeks later, I remain inspired and motivated by these women- their curiosity and openness was heartening. Especially at a time when we have 20 year olds using Botox preventatively, when celebs like Kylie Jenner experiment with an age filter and then exclaim “ I don’t like it, I don’t like it at all,” and when we have a global anti-age market (of which the US is key) valued at $63 billion (as of 2021) and projected to reach $93 billion by 2027.
For all of these reasons we need to show up for younger women and have these conversations whenever and however we can. Help them adjust the factory settings before they take hold. Make it okay to say “I’m turning 30” without any hint of cringe; without having them feel like they are running out of time. Let them in on our secret- that despite all of the challenges, there’s a whole lot of upside. Show them that the many layers of our lives create richness, texture, and a new kind of beauty- a unique and special patina all our own…
As always, I am so grateful you are here- your time is precious and it means the world to me that you take some of it to read this newsletter. I’d love to know if you have younger women in your life that you talk to about age and getting older. What kinds of questions do they ask you? What advice do you give them? Also, If you enjoyed this post, please hit the ❤️ to help others discover us here. And if you know someone who would appreciate, please share. Have a wonderful weekend! Dina xx
I cherish my friendships with younger women, many made possible right here. And could not agree more with this call to bridge gaps and be here for each other on this wild ride.
💖🤗