Participation Trophies for the Midlife Set
On giving ourselves the credit we deserve...
In the context of child rearing, I am definitely not in the “everybody gets a trophy” camp. Kids need to learn that life will not always go their way, and that sometimes, they will lose. Shielding them from life’s frustrations and from any whiff of adversity, imho, is a great disservice, and sets them up for a lifetime of disappointment.
But this space is not about raising kids, and for me (and a lot of you), those days are long past. In my 50s, I’ve taken that reclaimed time and redirected my attention to raising new versions of myself, cultivating the late blooms and nurturing the emerging bits and pieces. And at this stage, I’m thinking participation trophies for us midlifers may not be such a bad thing. Allow me to explain.
As adults, we know first-hand that our lives are full-spectrum. That there will pain and disappointment along with all of the good stuff. We know the way the world works (at least most days), and experience has taught us that it takes more than just showing up to earn the prize, get the promotion, win the applause, etc. But I’ve been thinking that showing up in life is often half the battle, and some days, an accomplishment in itself. We don’t always give ourselves credit for navigating the daily waters and sometimes rough seas, and for managing the million details it takes to keep our worlds spinning. For participating in life.
I am guilty of this self-slighting.
I recently met a big deadline for a project I’ve been working on for nearly two years with my dear friend and collaborator
. It’s been a labor of love that will manifest in a midlife anthology next year, and I could not be more thrilled to inch one step closer to sharing some incredibly inspiring (and highly relatable) midlife voices with the world. But a couple of weeks before the manuscript was due to be delivered, my beloved cat got sick, and one week later, she was gone. I had to keep working, which required constructing a little makeshift compartment for my grief so we could cross the finish line. When we were done, said rickety compartment collapsed. After hitting the send button I dissolved into tears, so much emotion flowing through me- the very real grief of losing a pet, the still-stinging grief of losing my mom to whom I dedicated the book, and an unexpected, strange kind of sadness brought on by letting go of something I’d been holding tight to for the past couple of years.
I woke up sick the following morning, my body punishing me for the weeks long stress and neglect, and for the next week I found myself stuck in my apartment, and a little bit stuck in my head too.
In this vulnerable state, I made the mistake of scrolling through social media, seeing events I was planning to attend but couldn’t, or things I would have liked to attend but didn’t know about (and wouldn’t have been able to attend anyway). I truly loved seeing friends shine at these events- I have come to know and adore many in the midlife community, pro-age and menopause advocates, women who are out there making great sh*t happen every day. But was I making enough sh*t happen out there? Was I doing enough? Was I enough? I beat myself up a bit, feeling like I had dropped the ball, so focused on the task at hand that I had disengaged some and missed out. Which was pretty ridiculous in light of what I had just accomplished. But alas, we are all ridiculous sometimes.
On most days, I genuinely believe that I am enough, even with all of my flaws and unfinished to-do lists. But I think we all have these moments when we question, triggered by anything or nothing at all. Fortunately, I didn’t stay in that place for too long- most of the fog dissipated along with my head cold (although the low-hanging grief clouds haven’t quite cleared yet)- but honestly, I’m glad I went there. Because it made me think about all I’ve been through in just the past five years, and how much strength and force of will it’s taken to 1- just show up and participate on some days, and 2- accomplish things I never dreamed possible on others.
I made a list of all of that life-y stuff, and seeing it in writing reminded me of just how much I’ve managed, and how far I’ve come. There's a lot on that list. The most difficult, excruciating experience of my life is on that list, losing my mom, and there are other tough losses as well, including both of our sweet pets. Our youngest graduated from college, briefly moved back in (to our smaller, NYC nest), and then flew off to make a life; I walked away from my long-standing recruiting business to forge a new career in this midlife space; we made multiple moves- one planned, others Covid-driven, my husband changed law firms after 20 years only to have his new firm implode three years in, and on and on and on.
We all have long lists.
Moving through those spaces and moments in time might not seem heroic, but these are really hard things. And I think we tend to take for granted the enormous strength, courage and resilience it sometimes takes just to get through a day. Some days, we really should get a damn trophy just for surviving.
My “trophies” this week came in the form of a mini spa day, and an infrared sauna session. Just a little time and energy directed solely for me, in recognition that I did something pretty f’in cool, that I am worth the care, and that even through some stretches of darkness, I’ve managed to find my way and move forward.
All of this to say please do not to take yourself for granted. We are all out here spinning around on this giant marble, trying to do the best we can. Give yourself a break when you need one- allow yourself space to be, to grieve, or to do whatever helps you catch your breath and find your center again. Celebrate the wins, and know that some days just showing up and participating qualifies as one. Learn from the losses but try not to drown in negative thinking or self-pity. You can temporarily tread water there if you need to, but know that failure is a great catalyst for learning and growth.
You’ve come a long way, baby. Now go claim your trophy…
Closing out Menopause Awareness Month
Talk about coming a long way! Menopause is finally out of the shadows, and while there’s more work to do, we are moving closer to a world where women going through this natural life stage are being heard and having their health concerns addressed in more meaningful ways. It’s pretty incredible to think that when I started researching for my original blog starting around 2018, about 80-90% of the articles I was seeing were from the UK; there was very little talk of menopause here in the US. When I started going through perimenopause in my early-ish 40’s, I had no idea what the hell was going on. Thankfully, much has changed, and we now have access to life-changing information. In that spirit, below I’m re-sharing a menopause resource guide I put together a while back where I talk more about my own experiences and link to detailed articles, books, menopause organizations, experts, doctors, etc.
Also please check out The M Factor, Shredding the Silence on Menopause, a groundbreaking documentary on PBS produced by menopause advocate and force of nature Tamsen Fadel- linking here to Tamsen’s website so you can find out how to watch on your local PBS or World PBS station.
Finally, please visit Let’s Talk Menopause and sign the petition to remove the black box warning from vaginal estrogen, a safe and effective local treatment for the common Genitourinary Syndrome of Menopause (GSM), with symptoms that include increased UTI’s, urinary incontinance, vaginal dryness, and painful sex. I highly recommend listening to this episode of A Certain Age podcast to learn more about why this is such an important issue, and why the outdated black box warning NEEDS to go.
Midlife Cheat Sheet: Menopause Edition
I’ve been watching the Hulu series “Life and Beth” created by Amy Schumer, and there’s a funny scene (one of many!) where a doctor asks her character Beth if she has any preexisting conditions; she deadpans, “I’m a woman.” I laughed out loud, but sadly, there is a lot of truth in that statement.
Thank you so much for being here, and welcome to our new subscribers! I am grateful for each and every one of you, and appreciate your spending a little bit of your precious time here with me! Please hit the ❤️ if you enjoyed, or drop a comment/share if the spirt moves you! Have a wonderful weekend… Dina xx
So very beautiful, Dina, and so very true. As always, you have captured so many emotions and so much of these shared experiences of this stage of life, and I could not be more excited for yours and Dina's book. I know it will be an anthology of encouragement, solidarity, love and hope, and I can't wait to read it already! (And this, oh this: "I had to keep working, which required constructing a little makeshift compartment for my grief so we could cross the finish line. When we were done, said rickety compartment collapsed." Oof. So perfectly put.) Sending BIG hugs and 💗 (and 🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆!!) XOXOX
What a beautiful essay this is filled with such honesty and emotion to highlight how much we can accomplish, push through, and even allow ourselves that moment to collapse and then find our way back home and to way to write about it for ourselves but also for others. What a moment in time this has been and even though its been a lot to pull together (I’d still do it again!) with its losses and gains, I would not want to do it with anyone else. Love that you wrote about this and beautifully done!