(Step)Mother's Day Reflections
Not a poison apple in sight...
As I approach this second Mother’s Day without my mom, I am awash in memories, my mind a spinning reel projecting scenes that span my life as a daughter, and later, an inadvertent stepmother. As it rolls, I find myself vacillating somewhere between sadness, deep gratitude, and disbelief at the speed at which it has all gone by.
I’ve written often over these past years about my mom and the indelible impact she had on my life. I started Patina while she was still very much alive, and it was always a thrill to put my feelings about her into words I knew she would enthusiastically read. She was and remains my greatest inspiration, and no seed of a conversation about being a stepmom can even begin to take root without my acknowledging the woman who taught me so much about life, grace, gratitude, acceptance, the value of creativity, the imperative of community, and the importance of mindset, among so many other things. She was the one who showed me, and anyone lucky enough to be in her orbit, how much beauty and richness can be found in all of the many layers of life.
It is because of her that I had the courage to follow my heart, marry the love of my life and take the leap from single, city-dwelling career woman to stepmom, a role that would become the most important of my life.
Only that’s not what persistent cultural depictions and fairytales would have you believe. Instead of dedicated parent, we are fed a stream of evil stepmother tropes from a young age, like those depicted in Snow White, Cinderella and Hansel and Gretel (thanks so much, Brothers Grimm). In fact, there are more than 900 international stories written about the villainous ways of stepmothers through the ages. It’s patriarchy baked right into the tales we tell our children, the demonization of women reduced to base stereotypes. And while in our rational minds we know these are fairy tales and folk lore, these things have a way of becoming culturally ingrained. Societally, we tend not to value the contributions of stepparents in the same way we do biological ones.
The irony is that to be an engaged stepmom, you have to embody the absolute opposite qualities of the wicked, envious, selfish, attention-seeking caricatures of popular culture. In fact, if attention is what you’re seeking, you’ve come to the wrong place. As a stepmother, you have to be willing to be unsung and sometimes, unseen.
As a stepmother, you have to be willing to be unsung and sometimes, unseen.
I didn’t know any of this going in- if I had leaned into my tendency to overthink, I probably would have missed out on the experience of my life. Because despite my mother’s loving example, I entered adulthood feeling very ambivalent about having children. I think maybe because I grew up without much in the way of surplus (there were four kids and not a lot of money), I viewed kids as an anchor; one that would limit my ability to move through life freely. I married for the first time when I was 25 and just out of law school, and several years into that marriage, I still wasn’t sure if I wanted kids. I was sure, however, that I didn’t want them with my then-husband, which seemed like a pretty fundamental issue. I always thought it was interesting that I left, in part, for something I wasn’t sure I even wanted, but I felt compelled by it all the same.
Being a stepmother is not something we talk about much in our culture, and I’m not sure why, when 40% of American families are defined as blended. And we could use more support out here, because being a stepmother is a delicate, tricky business. There is a fine needle to thread at all times, because you are a parent, doing the work of parenting, but you are not the kids’ mom. And while every situation is different, I think I speak for most when I say that you don’t love the kids any less than if you gave birth to them, and you just have to have faith that the objects of that love will feel it too; will see that you are there for them however they need you, without feeling like loving you back is a betrayal. Much like life, it is nuanced and complicated.
There are many boundaries to navigate, respect and protect. I didn’t always protect mine as well as I should have. If you are all-in, you have all of the responsibilities of being a mom (and all of the invisible work it entails), but without, in many cases, the community that comes with motherhood (because it’s unlikely you are hanging with your husband’s ex and the kids’ friends’ moms). And no matter how supportive your husband may be, lacking that particular brand of female camaraderie and energy can be hard and lonely, and can make you feel like an outsider in your own world.
You also have to be comfortable with the fact that you will not generally be the primary focus in your relationship. This is also difficult, and something you really can’t understand until you are in it. You may have to commit financially in a way that can make you feel resentful- this was a tough one for me. Additionally, you may not always be in harmony with your husband’s ex, even when the situation is cordial, and you have to have patience and grace and find ways to work through issues together for the well-being of the kids. You have to be okay with the idea that even though your step kids may be your primary purpose, some will view you simply as a weekend parent- just the new wife of their dad- and that can feel diminishing and can sting on many levels.
But despite the unique challenges and struggles, being a stepmother has been the most important and rewarding thing I have done with my life.
I didn’t know I would feel this way when it all started. Truthfully, I was terrified by the prospect of taking on two young boys, just four and seven years-old when we met. I was in my early 30’s, living in New York City after my divorce, and just starting to get my grown-up footing. But I fell in love with a man that I knew, on a cellular level, was right for me, and he came as a package deal. I knew that marrying him meant a covenant not between two, but four. And so it began all of those years ago, our life together as a family.
Many people asked me in those early years if I would have my own children. And for the first time in my life, with the right man, I could finally envision it. I ruminated more than a little, but family blending and adjustment takes time, and ultimately, once settled I felt like we, the four of us, were enough.
Most days I still can’t believe that phase of our lives is over. As the saying goes the days were long (some VERY long), but the years were decidedly short. Our youngest just turned 27 and lives close by in NYC, and our oldest will soon be 30, lives in Chicago and just graduated from law school. I am filled with love and pride when I think about the bright, thoughtful, kind-hearted young men they have become, and I am grateful to them every day for loving and accepting me all those years ago (one took a bit longer, and was entirely unbribable, but we got there!).
It is from them that I realized the depth of my capacity to love, and it is from them that I learned in a very real way that sometimes the best things in life come not from the careful, intentional plan, but instead, from the willingness to veer off the road and into the unknown…
To all of my fellow stepmoms out there, I see you, and I salute you! And Happy Mother’s Day to all- moms, stepmoms and mother figures who make the world go round every single day. And to those who are hurting, may your special memories make her presence felt and bring you great comfort today and every day.
Dina xx
As always, I am so grateful you are here! I know there are many things vying for our attention, and it means the world to me that you take some of your precious time and spend it here. If you think this would resonate for someone, please share, and if you enjoyed, please hit the ❤️ to help others find us here. I love hearing from you!
Beautiful words, Dina - and a testimony to motherhood, and that to mother can take different forms. As St Teresa of Calcutta once said, "the problem with the world is that we draw the circle of family too small," (or similar!). As an adopted daughter ever-grateful for my own mother, as if I were born of her body, I feel this to my core - and love my beloved brave and beautiful first mother no less for it. I LOVE the photo of you with your moms - all such precious pics. And "Quickly go the years," - so true! Thank you for sharing your story, your mother's heart and your words. 💗
What an incredible piece of writing about a most interesting, (and a not reflected enough upon subject) that highlights the experience of a step-mother. Required reading for step moms out there! I appreciate the wonderful reflection of your mom, a tribute she would have loved and shared with all in her orbit, I am sure!