(Step)Mother's Day Reflections
Plus, Midlife Private Parts on stage and other updates!
In a perfect world, I would have written something entirely new in anticipation of this Mother’s Day. But letting go of the need for perfectionism has been one of the most liberating gifts of midlife, and I’ve been so immersed in the lead up to my book launch that I’ve not had time for much else! And since there are a lot of new faces around here (we just passed 500 subscribers!), I wanted to reshare this piece from last year, because the sentiment remains, and with the passage of time and an ever-expanding perspective, I feel it even more deeply.
My stepsons have both been out of the nest for years now- our younger son just turned 28, and the oldest will be 31 this summer. But still, when I talk about the experience of being a stepmom, I am reminded just how layered and emotionally intricate it can all be, even now. And how rarely we talk about it with the honesty and nuance it deserves. As I say below, it is a delicate and tricky business, but for me, it’s the business of a lifetime.
There’s also what still feels like the fresh pain of another Mother’s Day without my beloved mom, the third one, and I know so many are feeling that along with me. To all of you, I send my love and my sincerest hope that your special memories will make her presence felt and bring you comfort. Love also to those who feel pain on this day for entirely different reasons.
So here it is again, straight from my heart, with deep love and affection for my boys, my mom, and for all the women navigating motherhood in its many, many forms…xx
As I approach this second Mother’s Day without my mom, I am awash in memories, my mind a spinning reel projecting scenes that span my life as a daughter, and later, an inadvertent stepmother. As it rolls, I find myself vacillating somewhere between sadness, deep gratitude, and disbelief at the speed at which it has all gone by.
I’ve written often over these past years about my mom and the indelible impact she had on my life. I started Patina while she was still very much alive, and it was always a thrill to put my feelings about her into words I knew she would enthusiastically read. She was and remains my greatest inspiration, and no seed of a conversation about being a stepmom can even begin to take root without my acknowledging the woman who taught me so much about life, grace, gratitude, acceptance, the value of creativity, the imperative of community, and the importance of mindset, among so many other things. She was the one who showed me, and anyone lucky enough to be in her orbit, how much beauty and richness can be found in all of the many layers of life.
It is because of her that I had the courage to follow my heart, marry the love of my life and take the leap from single, city-dwelling career woman to stepmom, a role that would become the most important of my life.
Only that’s not what persistent cultural depictions and fairytales would have you believe. Instead of dedicated parent, we are fed a stream of evil stepmother tropes from a young age, like those depicted in Snow White, Cinderella and Hansel and Gretel (thanks so much, Brothers Grimm). In fact, there are more than 900 international stories written about the villainous ways of stepmothers through the ages. It’s patriarchy baked right into the tales we tell our children, the demonization of women reduced to base stereotypes. And while in our rational minds we know these are fairy tales and folk lore, these things have a way of becoming culturally ingrained. Societally, we tend not to value the contributions of stepparents in the same way we do biological ones.
The irony is that to be an engaged stepmom, you have to embody the absolute opposite qualities of the wicked, envious, selfish, attention-seeking caricatures of popular culture. In fact, if attention is what you’re seeking, you’ve come to the wrong place. As a stepmother, you have to be willing to be unsung and sometimes, unseen.
As a stepmother, you have to be willing to be unsung and sometimes, unseen.
I didn’t know any of this going in- if I had leaned into my tendency to overthink, I probably would have missed out on the experience of my life. Because despite my mother’s loving example, I entered adulthood feeling very ambivalent about having children. I think maybe because I grew up without much in the way of surplus (there were four kids and not a lot of money), I viewed kids as an anchor; one that would limit my ability to move through life freely. I married for the first time when I was 25 and just out of law school, and several years into that marriage, I still wasn’t sure if I wanted kids. I was sure, however, that I didn’t want them with my then-husband, which seemed like a pretty fundamental issue. I always thought it was interesting that I left, in part, for something I wasn’t sure I even wanted, but I felt compelled by it all the same.
Being a stepmother is not something we talk about much in our culture, and I’m not sure why, when 40% of American families are defined as blended. And we could use more support out here, because being a stepmother is a delicate, tricky business. There is a fine needle to thread at all times, because you are a parent, doing the work of parenting, but you are not the kids’ mom. And while every situation is different, I think I speak for most when I say that you don’t love the kids any less than if you gave birth to them, and you just have to have faith that the objects of that love will feel it too; will see that you are there for them however they need you, without feeling like loving you back is a betrayal. Much like life, it is nuanced and complicated.
There are many boundaries to navigate, respect and protect. I didn’t always protect mine as well as I should have. If you are all-in, you have all of the responsibilities of being a mom (and all of the invisible work it entails), but without, in many cases, the community that comes with motherhood. And no matter how supportive your husband may be, lacking that particular brand of female camaraderie and energy can be hard and lonely, and can make you feel like an outsider in your own world.
You also have to be comfortable with the fact that you will not generally be the primary focus in your relationship. This is also difficult, and something you really can’t understand until you are in it. You may have to commit financially in a way that can make you feel resentful- this was a tough one for me. Additionally, you may not always be in harmony with your husband’s ex, even when the situation is cordial, and you have to have patience and grace and find ways to work through issues together for the well-being of the kids. You have to be okay with the idea that even though your step kids may be your primary purpose, some will view you simply as a weekend parent- just the new wife of their dad- and that can feel diminishing and can sting on many levels.
But despite the unique challenges and struggles, being a stepmother has been the most important and rewarding thing I have done with my life.
I didn’t know I would feel this way when it all started. Truthfully, I was terrified by the prospect of taking on two young boys, just four and seven years-old when we met. I was in my early 30’s, living in New York City after my divorce, and just starting to get my grown-up footing. But I fell in love with a man that I knew, on a cellular level, was right for me, and he came as a package deal. I knew that marrying him meant a covenant not between two, but four. And so it began all of those years ago, our life together as a family.
Many people asked me in those early years if I would have my own children. And for the first time in my life, with the right man, I could finally envision it. I ruminated more than a little, but family blending and adjustment takes time, and ultimately, once settled I felt like we, the four of us, were enough.
Most days I still can’t believe that phase of our lives is over. As the saying goes the days were long (some VERY long), but the years were decidedly short. Our youngest just turned 27 and lives close by in NYC, and our oldest will soon be 30, lives in Chicago and just graduated from law school. I am filled with love and pride when I think about the bright, thoughtful, kind-hearted young men they have become, and I am grateful to them every day for loving and accepting me all those years ago (one took a bit longer, and was entirely unbribable, but we got there!).
It is from them that I realized the depth of my capacity to love, and it is from them that I learned in a very real way that sometimes the best things in life come not from the careful, intentional plan, but instead, from the willingness to veer off the road and into the unknown…
Midlife Private Parts- Updates!
As you know if you follow me here, my book Midlife Private Parts: Revealing Essays that Will Change the Way You Think About Age is launching June 24th! My co-editor
and I could not be more excited to share the very real, unfiltered, often funny stories told in this midlife anthology by some truly wise and gorgeous voices, including Substackers , , , , ,, , , and , among others writers, entrepreneurs, and creatives.Last week we had the great pleasure of chatting about the book with Zibby for her Totally Booked podcast, taped before a live studio audience in NYC with some of our fab contributors. I continue to be blown away by these women and their willingness to be vulnerable and share their “private parts,” and I know that their stories will make you feel seen, heard, and understood, and more, connected to a big, beautiful sisterhood. The episode will air closer to launch, and I’ll share the date as soon as I have it.
Also, for those in Miami, we’ll be doing a free event at Books & Books in Coral Gables on June 29th at 5pm- we’d love for you to join us and meet some of our contributors! Get your tickets here!
I’ll continue to update as we add events, and if you haven’t preordered the book, I’d be so grateful if you would! Preorders are everything when it comes to getting the book in the hands of readers- they create buzz and signal to publishers, booksellers and the media that this book matters- that our stories matter, and that women in midlife are a force! You can preorder here, and have the book delivered and ready to throw in your beach bag on June 24th!
As always, I am so grateful you are here! II know there are many things vying for our attention, and it means the world to me that you take some of your precious time and spend it here. If you think this would resonate for someone, please share, and if you enjoyed, please hit the ❤️ to help others find us here. I love hearing from you!
And to all of my fellow stepmoms out there, I see you, and I salute you! And Happy Mother’s Day to all- moms, stepmoms and mother figures who make the world go round every single day.
Dina xx
So, so much love and thank you so much for sharing this beautiful essay, and the biggest hug as you remember your dear mother after three years (this resonates deeply, and you capture your feelings, as well as those of becoming the incredible mother you are to your stepsons, so powerfully). Here's to all the ways there are to mother. And to love. And to over 500 subscribers (whoop!!) AND to Zibby!! Can't wait for you to share the episode! ALL of it! Much 💗 XOXO
I preordered way back!