The Beauty and Balm of Intergenerational Friendships
Could they be the key to reducing our cultural empathy deficit? Some thoughts, the story of my first intergenerational friendship, and links to a cause near and dear...
I intended this to be a short intro paragraph for an essay I wrote about 4 years ago on the topic, but as it kept unfolding, I wanted to share it all because I believe that intergenerational friendships can provide a balm to much of what ails us culturally; can help bridge divides, foster understanding and importantly, help us with what feels like an ongoing empathy deficit.
Hanging around with a group of 20-somethings can make you feel, well, older. But also, spending time with young people- people at the starting gate, beginning to imagine the outlines of their lives and taking those first proverbial grown-up steps- well that can also be energizing and hopeful. And it can remind you of how far you’ve come; how expanded, how wise.
I spent last weekend with my 27-year-old stepson, his boyfriend and one of their college girlfriends. And when I wasn’t surreptitiously googling “‘coded’- Gen Z slang” I was listening, and I was learning. Learning that for all of our talk about how life is different now and how technology has rewired young people, our basic humanity- our needs and desires- remain essentially unchanged. The particular brand of problems, issues and pressures may shift, but really, we all just want to belong, to love and be loved, and to find meaning in our lives. When you consider this fact, and approach relationships from this perspective, it becomes much easier to connect with people from all age groups, and all walks of life.
It was interesting to hear them talk so thoughtfully about life, their choices and their plans for the future. Although a part of me wanted to shout (multiple times) “it might not/probably won’t turn out the way you think,” I checked myself and just said words to this effect: Pay attention to the way things make you feel, because regardless of how great something may look on the outside, it’s not great if it steals your joy. Good on paper is not necessarily good for you. And even when you’ve put time and energy into traveling a particular path, stay open and don’t be afraid to course-correct.
I’m not sure how much of that I would have processed as a younger person; I thought I knew better, and didn’t really have any older friends to mentor me. People whose lived experiences would help illustrate in a real way that the twists and turns are inevitable, that making plans, while necessary, can also be a fool’s errand, and that there is no such thing as perfect.
But fate intervened and I did make an older friend when I was in my early 30’s (and she was in her mid-50s), and I began to understand the deep value of intergenerational relationships. It was one of the first things I wrote about on the original blog- the story of Marcia and me, and how the relationship positively impacted both of us, in ways that continue to reverberate. Since that time, I have cultivated many more intergenerational bonds with both younger and older friends- people ranging in age from their 20s-80s. These relationships bring me joy, and teach me much about myself. They challenge me and make me smarter, more empathetic, and more open-minded.
One of the drivers for my revisiting the piece below has been my current obsession with the show Hacks. Season three just wrapped, and if you haven’t watched it yet, I suggest dropping everything… I love it for many reasons, but one of my favorite aspects is the intergenerational relationship between Jean Smart’s character, comedy legend Deborah Vance, and her 20-something writer, Ava Daniels, played by Hannah Einbinder. I don’t want to give anything away, so I’ll just say that I live for their exchanges and banter, and that underlying their sometimes tense relationship is a tenderness, a mutual respect and an undeniable chemistry that is incredibly fun to watch. If you enjoy choking laughter, this is your show!
And speaking of Hacks, to bring this full-circle, when my step-son was explaining his generation’s use of the word coded, he sent me this: The show Hacks is very Dina coded because it’s about an older woman finding her stride in the later years of her career. So there you have it!
Below is an adaptation of that earlier piece; the story of my first intergenerational friendship, the one that opened the door to so much growth and expansion in my life.
Marcia & Me
We all have so much to learn from each other, but the reality is we tend to gravitate toward the familiar. And in many ways, it makes perfect sense that we would want to spend our time with people who are like us and who share common experiences, live on similar schedules, have kids the same age, etc. Life is busy and friendship, in large part, requires consistency and opportunities for interaction. Even in the workplace, where we now have 5 generations sharing space, the mixing doesn’t usually go beyond the office. Add to that the stereotypical memes- OK Boomer, the Millennial Karen, Gen Z snowflakes, etc.- while we may get a good laugh from them, they highlight the fact that we really need to work to bridge the divide and get to know each other better.
I feel very fortunate that one of my close friends has a couple of decades on me. We met at work in the late 90’s, and I thought she was the epitome of cool. She was smart and beautiful, with three graduate degrees and the kind of confident energy I hoped would exude someday. I was 31 years old, and Marcia was in her early 50s, but despite our age difference we fell into an easy, natural friendship that has grown over the course of 20+ years and continues to feed us both.
When we first met, we were both former attorneys working in management at a large law firm. There was something about her that drew me in, but I didn’t quite know what to make of her. She was newly married for the fourth time, a number I couldn’t really wrap my head around, and if I’m being honest, my first inclination back then was to judge her. At that point in time I didn’t have a ton of life experience or exposure, and four marriages just didn’t compute. But I was intrigued and wanted to get to know her.
We connected easily, and I very quickly let go of any preconceived notions I may have had; rather than judge her, I came to admire her for her courage to start over more than a few times, for her capacity to walk head-on into the unknown, and for her open mind and heart, among other things. I learned to judge less and listen more. Her broad perspective was enlightening, and I saw through her experiences that one could face challenges like divorce, career change, death of loved ones, etc., and not only survive, but thrive. She was a great resource and sounding board, and her advice was invaluable when I encountered difficult situations both in and out of the office. Through our friendship my worldview expanded, and I started to open up to new thoughts and ideas in meaningful ways.
I think one of the best byproducts of our relationship was seeing first-hand that age was not something to fear; that you could get better and smarter, and that there was much to look forward to despite the steady stream of anti-age BS culture was feeding me.
While the benefits of spending time with a more experienced friend are clear, I asked Marcia about how our relationship has impacted her. She told me that our friendship keeps her young and engaged, and encourages her to keep her creative juices running. “No matter how old I am, you make me feel like I am still fabulous and have much to contribute to this world.” We talked about all we have shared over the years: “Love, divorce, marriage, career changes, health issues, death and a myriad of circumstances that life threw at us— together we conquered all, employing laughter as the greatest cure-all.”
I am now older than Marcia was when we first met, and our friendship is still going strong. I also have the privilege of knowing some incredible younger women, and I learn as much from them as I do from my older friends. I am in awe of the passion of this younger generation; they are engaged in the world, they are empowered and they are courageous, unafraid to speak out and live their convictions. Spending time with them is energizing, and helps me stay on top of trends and popular culture. Listening to them stretches me to see things from a sometimes very different point of view.
It’s also life-affirming to spend time with younger people who genuinely value your opinion and your experience. At a time in life when we may start to feel culturally dismissed, our younger friends can remind us just how valuable and relevant we really are.
As for Marcia, she’s 78 and as fabulous as ever. She was married to that fourth husband for 23 years until he passed in 2021, and has found love again. And that’s the spirit I fell in love with- the one that loves life, loves love, and knows that it’s never too late…
Just One (Important) Set of Links: Meet Uncommon Threads
I have the privilege to be involved with an incredible organization, Uncommon Threads (UCT), a nonprofit based in Lawrence, Massachusetts, that helps low-income women (of all generations!) see and feel their true potential through the use of clothing and image as tools for building self-worth. Many organizations in this space have a work requirement and address professional attire only; UCT is unique in that it addresses all aspects of a woman’s clothing needs while nurturing personal growth through self-esteem-focused styling sessions and workshops. It was founded by my beautiful friend Susan Kanoff, and what started as side project for her social work clients has grown into a thriving organization with a brick and mortar store that you can shop online (or in person for my Boston friends).
There are many ways to support this important work of empowering women. Besides shopping, you can donate gently used clothing, money, and this week, you can bid online for auction items up for grabs as part of UCT’s annual gala! I haven’t written about it here (yet), but I have a little jewelry company that I started with my late mom; she made the most exquisite beaded pieces, and I’ve donated one of her hand-beaded cuffs for the cause.
One additional way to support is by shopping my Dora Maar closet. Dora Maar is curated designer consignment site where I (along with some wildly stylish women) sell some of my gently used designer clothing. I have chosen UCT as my “Closets for a Cause,” and portion of my sales is donated to the organization.
I’ll leave you with this little video of a UCT client- a beautiful young woman that was styled for her prom. You can see her joy and how putting on that dress transforms her; you can see how beautiful she feels. I could watch this all day!
Thank you so much for spending some of your time with me here- I am grateful and delighted to see this community start to take root! If you like what you see, please hit the ❤️ to help others find us, and feel free to share with others who might like! Have a wonderful weekend…
Love all of this. How absolutely wonderful is your friendship with Marcia, and totally relate to the gifts of being with our shiny, happy (🙌) younger crews!! And that is truly beautiful about your mothers cuff, and cause. 🙏🏻💕
This is such an excellent topic and thoughtful appreciation of what it means to move through life as friendships grow, change and new ones evolve. Yes to inter generational friendships, they really do bring so much to the table. I’m learning and connecting with my daughter in law who sparks so many emotions in me from reminding me of myself and then showing me how she’s navigating a very different world on her own two feet. It’s a beautiful thing….