There’s Always Going to Be a Bigger Boat…
On contentment… Plus mood salad links and recs to stimulate the senses this weekend.
A while back I did a post on IG that was inspired by the yacht-filled marina behind my apartment in Miami Beach. For reference, these are the kind of boats that are bigger than some houses, with hot tubs on the upper decks and occupants that look like they walked off the pages of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition. Some days as I sit at the table on my balcony where I often write, I find myself wondering what #yachtlife might be like.
Private chefs? Massages on demand? Impromptu cruises to the Caribbean? Champagne fountains (is that even a thing?)? Long days lounging and hanging with other yacht friends?
Well, it’s highly unlikely that I will ever know. But mercifully, I’m at a point in my life where I can truly say that when it comes to material things, I am over the longing of my youth; the belief that I would be happier if I had this bag, these shoes, that car, or in this scenario, the yacht in the 4th slip downstairs.
Back then, I did a lot of comparing- comparing my life to others who seemed to have more. More stuff, fancier homes, exotic vacations- all of the things I thought would make life somehow better and easier. And I think when you grow up with modest resources, it’s natural to feel this way, because not having the things you want- feeling limited when you are young- can leave a mark.
Honestly, I don’t think those feelings were ever about envy. Instead, I think they were more about what I perceived as my own deficiencies. It was me being hard on myself. Impatient with myself. Unkind to that young woman who failed to see at the time that she had everything she needed, and so much more.
But somewhere along the way, I realized the comparison game was exhausting. And unwinnable. It’s impossible to be grounded in the present and to appreciate all that you have when you are focused on all that you don’t. As Theodore Roosevelt once said, “comparison is the thief of joy,” and in some ironic sense, I spent more than a little time robbing myself of the thing I was seeking.
It’s interesting, I live in and around places where people have a lot. And I say this fully aware that I am extremely fortunate, and also have a lot. But I am talking about levels of wealth that would make Thurston and Lovey Howell seem underprivileged (in keeping with boat theme!). We are in these places because my husband has a “smallest house on the best block” mentality, and we are lucky to have found lovely proverbial small houses. He often jokes that we are address frauds.
But what I’ve noticed is that some people in these places, people who have absolutely everything you can imagine ever wanting, still seem discontent. Rude to wait staff. Impatient. Dismissive. Demanding. Unresponsive when I say hello in passing. And seemingly questing, always questing for more.
This unfortunate behavior reminds me of a documentary I once watched about Michael Jackson. At one point they were talking about his physical transformation, and how numerous plastic surgeries had impacted his nose to the point of partial collapse. There was a psychologist who likened this insatiable pursuit of “fixing” himself to the idea of trying to satisfy your hunger by staring at a beautiful picture of food. It’s not exactly nourishing. It doesn’t work.
And I find it can sometimes be this way with the things you think you want or need; once acquired you might experience something akin to a sugar high, but it doesn’t quite satisfy the hunger. Before long, you start to think about what’s next. Which is why this former shopaholic has become much more intentional about acquiring, because I’ve learned that often there’s something else at play; something else I need that has nothing to do with the shoes in my virtual cart. Just like the picture of food, even a still life by Caravaggio won’t satisfy the hunger if you don’t dig deep to discover what you are actually craving.
Understanding this has been a revelation, and while I am not content every single minute of every single day, I have trained my eyes to see through a lens of gratitude; the glasses are not rose-colored, but things most definitely look brighter when I wear them. I sometimes find myself slipping back into comparison mode, particularly as I try to break through in this crowded, new-to-me platform, but the difference now is that I can catch my fall and avoid serious psychic injury.
We are lucky to have a little boat of our own. It’s a very cute boat. It could literally fit (several times over) into a number of the boats at the marina downstairs. But that little boat has been the gateway to so much beautiful quality time- time together, time with family and friends, and quiet time on the water where I can think and come back to center. Would it be nice to have a captain, a private chef and staterooms to sleep in on those impromptu sails to the islands? Sure. But I am extremely grateful for the one we have, sans private chef, but I make some mean boat snacks.
There will always be a bigger boat. No matter how much you have, there will always be someone who has more. More money. More time. More options. More access. And that’s okay, because more doesn’t necessarily mean better (unless we are talking about closet square footage, in which case, more is excellent). And even though I once ate a fake grape as a child (remember those 70s rubbery fruit displays?), I don’t recommend trying to satisfy your hunger by staring at a picture of food. Because the only true peace and contentment comes from nourishing yourself with the vital nutrients of life- love, community, connection, engagement, creativity, service to something greater than yourself, and anything else that feeds your soul.
I’ll definitely take the invite if anyone down there is reading this, but I’m perfectly happy to spend a day with my people in our dinghy!
Mood Salad Links and Recs
A little reading, watching and listening to stimulate your senses this weekend.
Read:
The menopause gold rush continues as a big pharma spin-off/mega CPG company launches menopause platform (via Retailbrew.com)
Kudos to Laura Geller for helping to change the conversation around beauty and aging. Editors note: I have the pleasure of knowing Laura and she is wonderful! (via Forbes)
In keeping with theme today, Arthur Brooks from the Atlantic on “happierness” and Jung’s five pillars of a good life. (via The Atlantic gift link)
Confused about when to choose organic fruits and vegetables and when to skip and buy conventionally grown produce? Check out the Environmental Working Group’s annual list, released last month. (via Katiecouric.com)
Honey, I want a (sleep) divorce (via WSJ gift link)
What is a menopause makeover? (via Vogue.com)
Watch:
PLEASE do yourself a favor if you want to feel good and watch this performance of Bennie and the Jets by the fabulously talented Jacob Lusk. I am fully obsessed. It’s not just the spectacular vocals. It’s his whole aura- the way that he moves and his incredible energy. He performed for “Elton John & Bernie Taupin: The Library of Congress Gershwin Prize for Popular Song” and the whole show was incredible, featuring Joni Mitchell, Garth Brooks, Brandi Carlile, Annie Lennox, Metallica, Maren Morris, Billy Porter and Charlie Puth.
Girls on the Bus: I’m only two episodes in but this is the type of show that makes me want to binge hard. I don’t know much yet but it’s inspired by Amy Chozick’s memoir Chasing Hillary and follows four female journalists on a presidential campaign trail- a timely watch indeed and I can’t wait to get deeper in.
Listen:
Beyonce’s version of Jolene. It’s SO good. Thank you to my Miami crew for the little listen party and lively conversation around the various versions (with all respect to the OG Dolly Parton)!
This is one of the most thorough, informative conversations about peri/menopause I have ever listened to, with Mel Robbins and Dr. Mary Claire Haver. For anyone wondering WTF is going on with your body, this is a MUST listen. And you can also check out my Midlife Cheat Sheet, Menopause Edition for a comprehensive resource guide.
As always, thank you for being here! Your ❤️s and comments mean the world to me- I love hearing from you! And if you know someone who would appreciate, please share!
Have a wonderful weekend…
Dina xx
Love you and your dinghy. Sophia appreciates your generosity when you need to make more room in your closet so don’t go too minimalist. You have excellent taste and love beautiful things but I love that they don’t define you. You are amazing all on your own. Thanks for sharing the message.
I'm so enjoying reading your essays every week. They always bring such a relatable presence with an informative take on the midlife space. I appreciate your midlife sensibility and the lens with which you share it. Thanks for the links! Useful and also helps me prioritize what's worthy of my attention.