You Belong at the Party…
The beginnings of a conversation about ageism, and it’s okay to have “a day”
I’m in a strange mood as I sit down to write this piece. I’m tired, I’m a bit frustrated, and I’m feeling impatient. On top of that, I’m totally annoyed with myself because I did all the “right” things to set up my day. I went to bed early and skipped the wine. I meditated this morning. I went for an early walk to get my body and mind moving. And still. The mood. The indecision as to which direction to take this in today.
I set out to write about gendered ageism. You know, a nice, light topic for your Friday morning! And this might account for some of my angst today, as I find myself going deeper and deeper on these issues, and getting more and more angry about the way we (mis) treat women, particularly older women, in this society. The way it’s all just so deeply baked into our systems and institutions.
As someone who spent many years in the professional recruiting world, I have had many a conversation with women about whether to include a graduation date on a resume. It’s a conversation I did not have very often with men. Just last week, I was advising a friend on her resume, and the issue hit me differently than it once did. It hit more painfully, and it actually made me feel like I, for years, had been complicit in perpetuating a system that stamps a sell-by date on women’s backs.
It made me think about how far we still have to go to tackle this problem, this open and notorious gendered ageism, one of the last seemingly acceptable isms in this country.
I have a lot of research to do to cover this in a meaningful way, so for now I’ll go data-light, heart-heavy. It’s not that I didn’t start to do the work. I did, but I quickly realized that I will have to dig much deeper and far wider. Because just like menopause, which was not being openly discussed here in the US when I started original blog research back in 2018 (I would guesstimate that 85-90% of the articles were from the UK), this issue of midlife women and the workplace is also not a material part of our cultural conversation here (yet).
One statistic I did find was this: Only 8% of companies include age as part of their DEI strategy. Apparently, age inclusivity is not a thing. If I were a CEO, I would make damn sure I availed myself of the competitive advantage that comes from having wise, experienced, confident, women of a certain age on my team. That, and a solid menopause policy and safe space for women to openly discuss these issues. I’d normally add “a girl can dream” here, but I believe with focused advocacy this can become a reality.
The truth is, I have never felt smarter or more competent than I do now. My eyes may not be what they once were, but ironically, I have never seen more clearly. The big picture is finally and fully in view. And so many of the women I speak with feel the same way. These are the players you want on your roster- intuitive, empathetic, generous, creative, resourceful problem-solvers who know how to get shit done.
I’ll be diving in more on this, and will look to the UK where there are substantive conversations happening thanks to women like the amazing
and organizations/initiatives like Ageism is Never In Style, which is “on a mission to expose ageism, disrupt and change the narrative and empower.” Eleanor’s last post talks in part about the #disappearingwoman in the UK workforce. And while there are a confluence of factors that lead women to step away at a time when they should be moving into top leadership roles, acknowledging the issue is an important step to planting the seeds of change.Because including a graduation year on your resume should not require an act of bravery.
Back to my mood. Actually, it’s now the day after I started writing this newsletter, and it’s amazing how a good night’s sleep (and an early morning yoga class in this case) can alter your vision. I’ve learned as I’ve gotten older that when I’m in that space, it’s best for me to step away and let myself (and whatever I’m working on) breathe.
In addition to the buzzkill of ageism, I’m still working to get my footing here, and with anything new, there are good days and there are clunky, harder days. Yesterday was clunky. I think was also grappling with this idea:
Two things can be true at once.
This may be an obvious statement, and while duality can be beautiful, it can also be unsettling.
Like on one hand, the idea that you’re never too old and it’s never too late to change course and try something new. Which I believe on a cellular level. Which is the story I’ve been telling since my midlife pivot back in 2020. Which is also a significant driver for my writing in this space, because I think it’s so important to share this message with a demographic that has been largely socialized to do as they should, not as they wish.
But on the other hand, having days where although you are living said philosophy and fully embodying it, you question the truth of it, even when all evidence points to the contrary.
Some days I can’t believe my good fortune since shifting gears four years ago. A real writing practice. People who take the time to read that writing. True and deep new midlife connections. A book in the works with one of those connections,
, and an agent to help shepherd the project. And a mission to impact that continues to take shape and propel me forward.But on other days I scroll through this platform that is teaming with incredible talent, and wonder if I belong. I tell myself not to attach to outcome, but then worry about growth. I must admit to sometimes feeling like a bit of an outsider, surrounded by people I admire greatly: award-winning authors, former newspaper and magazine editors, contributors to marquee publications, columnists, etc. It’s like I finally got invited to the party (okay, I invited myself), but there’s a secret entry I’m still looking for.
This is just what it feels like when I’m having a day. It’s not how I feel most days. But it does happen, even though as I said earlier, I have never felt smarter or more competent. Still, self-doubt and old limiting beliefs find their way in every now and then.
And as naked as I feel talking about this, I want to keep things real around here. This is the stuff that connects us- the stuff of real life. The self-doubts. The bad days that happen for all of us, and can be triggered by anything or nothing. A shitty night’s sleep. A conversation about a graduation date on a resume. Consuming one too many “how to” articles by people that are long-removed from the challenge of breaking into a new world, and the feelings that come with it.
Know that you will have those days. Know that they might feel especially pronounced when you are a midlife beginner, wise and experienced at life, but not at whatever particular new thing you are doing. But please don’t let them stop you. Step away and allow yourself to breathe. Let your work breathe. Load your tool box: Sleep. Yoga. Long walks. Long talks. Meditation. Prayer. Therapy. Coaching. Whatever it takes to help clear the field of vision so you can see the path more clearly, make necessary adjustments, and keep taking purposeful steps forward. Showing by example along the way that ageism is bullshit.
You belong at any damn party you want to go to. We’ll find that secret entry together…
Dina xx
Have a beautiful weekend, and Happy Easter if you celebrate. I’m so grateful you are here. If you enjoyed please hit the ❤️ to share some love and help others find us…
I am so glad and grateful that our paths crossed. Thank you for this piece which felt very much like I was having a cup of tea and a chat with you. About all the things. Honesty is something I deeply appreciate and your words are full of it. Thank you, thank you.
Preach. As a woman in a male dominated profession, I absolutely understand. And I love your comment about even though my eyes may not be what they once were I’ve never been able to see so clearly. I had a recent management meeting and an aha moment. I realized I was brought into my role BECAUSE of my age, and I needed to embrace my experience (still sounds better than age. LOL).
On average, my peers are all 7 to 8 years older and I’m sure they do not undergo a full tuneup of hair, nails, waxing and new clothes to show up “properly” at these meetings. Our DEI platform does indeed, address age thankfully. And even still, diversity of backgrounds is more revered than the diversity of the experience brought through age.
It reminded me of the company my mother worked for up until she retired. Her company was owned and funded by a management team out of Japan. Do you want to talk about a culture that embraces and reveres their elders I saw it up close & first hand. Even after her retirement, they continued to keep her on payroll as a consultant. It was a sign of how they valued her until the very day she passed away.
Thank you for reminding me I do belong in the room. Even if I did have to invite myself in. And when we’re all sitting around the table, I guarantee you, I’m gonna look great! 😏
Happy Friday!