15 Ways Age Has Made Me Better

Fine wine cliches not included… Plus mood salad links and recs to stimulate the senses.

Last year; currently knocking on 56…

The first couple of days this week were, shall we say, a bit clunky (or as I exclaimed to a friend in a typo-riddled text, chunky!). Actually, I think either word works to describe the way I was feeling- restless, stuck, and unable to get out of my own way, figuratively (and sometimes literally) tripping over myself at every turn. We all have these days, triggered by something or by absolutely nothing. For me, I think my sleep-deprived state might have had something to do with it, and this time, it came with a side of pain. You see, I sustained a  “sleep injury” early Sunday morning, sometime around 4am. I woke mid-sleep (as per usual), and stretched before shifting positions, only to have my entire mid-back essentially seize. I have never felt anything like it, like every muscle was stretched but contracted all at once, and I couldn’t get back to sleep between the discomfort and the list of possible maladies running through my head. I still have no idea what happened, and I’m mostly better now after a week of heating pads, but I can tell you this- there’s nothing like a passive sleep injury to remind you that you are, well, older than you used to be.  

This sent me down a path of feeling physically vulnerable (I was also nursing a giant hematoma on my low-bone density hip), and momentarily freaked out about how relentlessly time is marching on, whether I’m ready or not. Adding to it, glimpsing my (more) tired, aging reflection in the mirror (sometimes challenging on my best days, sigh) was jarring. And this ugh, I’m old reactive thinking fed into the clunk and resulted in a couple of days where I was intermittently running in mud, unable to take a meaningful step forward, or clumsily barreling forth from thing to thing, futilely trying to beat the clock. 

Fortunately, knowing my 55 year-old-self as well as I do at this point, I understood I needed a reframe to save my week. I thought about a story I once wrote- one about the gift of an artistic photograph that I almost turned down because I didn’t like the way it looked in its frame, only to fall in love with it once the gifter (my brother) reframed it. The literalness of that example, hanging on my wall, always reminds me that reframing (things, thoughts) can significantly alter the way we see and the way we feel. In need of some psychic alteration, I decided to make a quick list of some of the things I love about being older, because most days I truly feel that life does, in so many ways, get better with age. So in no particular order, here goes: 

1. I care much less about what people think of me- I haven’t quite made it to zero f*cks, and likely never will, but there is great freedom when you stop worrying whether everyone likes you, understands you, thinks you’re smart, cool, etc. What matters is what I think of me. 

2. I have let go of the need for perfection- This is a big one, and something that sometimes held me back from trying things, or caused me undue stress when I did take something on and became a madwoman attending to the most minute details that in retrospect, really didn’t matter. I think this was driven, in large part, by the fear of being judged, deemed not good enough, etc., and in that way, it’s a natural extension of # 1.

3. I am not afraid to fail- Much like the need for perfection sometimes held me back, so too did the fear of failure. Working to shed it and detach from outcome has lightened and liberated me, and has opened up a whole new world, enabling me to pivot and reinvent myself in midlife. I had no idea what I was doing when I started my original blog, but after ideating and talking about it for years I finally just jumped, and my life had never been the same in the best of ways.  

4. I am more comfortable being vulnerable- Another big one, exposing my heart has expanded my world beyond imagination. In the past I was very guarded outside of my family and inner circle, protecting myself from hurt, rejection, and being found out as an imposter, someone who didn’t belong in the spaces I worked hard to occupy. But somewhere along the way I started to crave deeper connection, new connection, and realized I needed to allow myself to be truly seen to get to it in a real and meaningful way.

5. I find it much easier to say yes- I think an earlier reluctance to say yes was probably part and parcel of some of these other things- the perfectionism, the fear of failure, the guardedness, etc. I was also very protective of my time, and had a bit less of it when the kids were younger and I was in the throes of work, life, aging parents, etc. But being open to the new and intentional about saying yes has led to seismic qualitative shifts in my life. New friends, new opportunities and new ways to be of service.

6. I know how to let go- And I understand that in order to move forward in life, things that don’t serve who I am today have to go to make space for what I need to continue to evolve and become.

7. Expanded perspective has made me wiser and more confident than ever before- Aside from a little brain fog, I still feel smarter in important ways, emotionally wise, psychologically adept, and better able to connect the dots in life. I think it’s helpful to think about perspective literally- I can step back from the vortex of the earlier years, my field of vision greatly expanded. I trust my instincts and intuition, and move through life more knowingly and confidently .

8. I understand that validation does not come from the external- I know now in a very real way that my value is intrinsic, not based on anything external; sure, accolades are wonderful and it’s nice to be recognized, but being right with myself, loving and accepting myself, is the most important validation of all.

9. I can much more easily go with the flow- I think I finally figured out at some point that there is very little in this life we can control, and resisting that truth took a whole lot of my precious and finite energy. Coming to terms with this has been freeing, and has softened me in a good way.

10. I’ve developed an allergy to negativity- Allergies are not typically something to be excited about, but this one has enhanced my life greatly. As someone who now understands herself to be an energy sponge, I try to avoid over-exposure to negative people, things, etc., which has vastly improved the quality of my life.

11. I understand in a very real way what actually matters to me- When it comes down to it, our people are everything. Full stop. And knowing this makes me a better wife, step-mom, sister and friend. In short, a better human. I spend much less time these days worrying about the stupid shit (see number 1!).

12. I take things much less personally- I’ve always been a sensitive person, but as a younger woman I really took things to heart and got my feelings hurt a lot. I over-thought, turned things over in my mind, and blamed myself when things went wrong. I know now that when things do get uncomfortable or heated, often others are projecting, and understanding this has ultimately made me more compassionate.

13. I am much more able to live in the present- This might be the most important one, and maybe the secret of life (along with gratitude). Losing my mom in 2022 shifted something deep inside of me. I have been moving around since with a heightened sense of awareness of the world around me and how I’m moving through it. I think that in the midst of incredible grief, I desperately needed to find joy, and now understand that being truly present and mindful allows me to experience it in ways big and small. There is beauty all around if we just open our eyes. 

14. I’ve learned to stop playing the comparison game- Because it’s unwinnable- there’s always going to be a bigger boat. I know now on a cellular level that gratitude is an essential element to well-being, and understand that it’s impossible to be grounded in the present and to appreciate all that you have when you are focused on all that you don’t. Theodore Roosevelt was right when he said that “comparison is the thief of joy.”

15. I am comfortable in my skin- This comes from knowing myself deeply, better than I ever have, and truly loving and accepting myself (on most days), flaws and all. It’s interesting, the more comfortable I feel in my skin, the more okay I am with being uncomfortable. It’s been a major factor in pushing me out of my comfort zone, and has led to some seriously meaningful growth. 

So there you have it- a reframe that helped pull me out of what could have been a prolonged spiral. Am I thrilled about all of the changes that age has brought? I am not. I apparently get injured in my sleep, I sometimes have trouble finding words (and keys, phones, etc.), and some days, it looks like my neck might just melt right off of my body. But I’m learning to give myself grace, and on balance, the gifts far outweigh the icks…

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Mood Salad Links & Recs

Listen:

• I loved this conversation between Julia Louis-Dreyfuss and Gloria Steinem, who at 90-years old is still fully vital and fully engaged in life. And what a life she’s had…

• And if you’re ready for a midlife uplevel, listen to this conversation with my friend Sarah Milken aka The Flexible Neurotic and Cory Allen, author of A Brave New You: A Roadmap To Believing The More Is Possible.

Read:

• We are finally getting some answers about how menopause and the loss of estrogen impacts our brain, and the brilliant Dr. Lisa Mosconi is leading the way. (via mariashriverssundaypaper.com)

• Naomi Watts wants menopause to be the next puberty.(via WSJ gift link)

• What do you want to be when you grow up? (via time.com)

• In a culture structured to promote early bloomers, an interesting look at the life secrets of late bloomers. (via The Atlantic gift link)

• A User’s Guide to Midlife (via NYT gift link)

Watch:

• And finally, watch Diane Von Furstenburg, Woman in Charge for a fascinating look at the rich and layered life of the woman who created the iconic wrap dress. She had me at from the jump with this: “If you take all of your wrinkles away, the map of your life is different.” (streaming on Hulu)

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Thank you so much for taking the time to read! I would love to hear your thoughts about how aging has made you better. Are you happier? More confident? Do you feel a new sense of freedom? Please chime in, and if you enjoyed, please send some love by hitting the ❤️ and help others find us here! Thanks so much, Happy Friday, and Happy Pride (I’ll be celebrating with my son on Sunday!).