Just When You Think You Have it All Together...
On setbacks and lifelong learning
Recently, I wrote about 15 ways age has made me better, but that certainly doesn’t mean I have it all figured out. To the contrary, I’m pretty sure I’ll be a work in progress until I take my last breath, learning, unlearning, resetting and recalibrating as I go. I’m in the midst of a big project that I’ll share more about soon, and every day I’m learning something new. Last week I had a professional setback after many months of work that momentarily threw me off balance (okay, maybe I was wobbly for a day or two!), but ultimately, resulted in a pivot that I feel confident will enhance the end-product.
It reminded me of a piece I wrote several years ago about a time where I let a setback impact me more than I was comfortable admitting for a long while. When I finally wrote about it, I realized that in spite of the discomfort and pain it caused, it was ultimately a vehicle for growth, like so many difficult experiences can be. I wanted to share it because it’s important to remember that no matter how far we’ve come, no matter how wise, life will always throw the occasional curveball. And it’s okay to swing and miss. Or to take your time and wait for the right pitch. The important thing is to stay in the game and to keep practicing and learning as we go…
*This post was originally published in September 2021, a year prior to my beloved mom’s passing:
I’ve started to write this blog post many times, but the words just wouldn’t come. It’s no fun to relive an unpleasant experience, especially one that impacted and temporarily tainted something that has always brought me joy. But as I’ve learned through the years, it often takes time and distance to really put something in the rear view, and to find meaning in every experience, especially the difficult ones.
As some of you may know, I have a little side-hustle jewelry design business with my mother called DNA Designs Jewelry. I haven’t talked about it much here for a couple of reasons. Among them, it’s never been my primary purpose, and I haven’t actively sought to grow it in the way I intend to grow Patina and this wonderful midlife community. Nonetheless, it’s a part of me that connects me to my mom, and for the past 10 years or so has been a very enjoyable creative outlet (and one that plays very well with my love of fashion and styling). I’ve kept it small and modest, with a little Etsy shop and occasional trunk shows.
Last summer, when the pandemic was still unfolding, I found myself in a creative slump in terms of my writing, which was terrible timing considering I had just launched Patina four months earlier. I was having trouble finding the inspiration to write in a way that felt authentic and uplifting given the state of the world, and turned more to my jewelry making, where I could get lost searching through bags of loose pearls, colorful beads, and yards and yards of chain, sketching out ideas and bringing them to life. I typically attend a couple of trade shows every year to source my supplies, but was spending hours searching and shopping online as all of those shows had been canceled. It was as much therapy as it was commerce, but it was always such a thrill to sell and see others wearing something that I created. And when one of my favorite boutiques took an interest and wanted to carry some of the pieces, I was over the moon. I had been shopping there for years and loved the owner, whose taste and curation was impeccable.
Fast forward a couple of weeks into that venture- I had just had a difficult conversation with one of my sons, who had taken a standardized test earlier that day and thought he did poorly (he didn’t, and is now in a top 10 law school!). But I was pandemic-weary and a little bit drained from the talk, and not at all prepared for what happened next. My DNA Designs IG notifications started lighting up my phone. My account was blowing up, or so I thought. A brand was commenting on my photos. Wow, I thought, this is so cool! They like my stuff. Validation! Instant credibility! I excitedly logged into my account. And, well, suffice it to say, it was not at all cool. What happened next left me a bit breathless, and stayed with me for longer than I would like to admit.
A jewelry designer had been to the shop where my items were being sold. She saw one of the few remaining unsold pieces from my collection, a necklace (with a pendant I had purchased from a new online vendor in the absence of the bead shows) which was apparently very similar to one she designed. From what I understand there was a bit of a scene made in the shop- she demanded to see my line sheets, photographed them and subsequently went through my jewelry IG account, commenting and tagging others. The “nicest” comments were accusations of copyright infringement. Even though I have a law degree and have more than a passing understanding of how these things work, it was all so surreal and shocking to me. Having your character assailed is difficult, no matter how strong and mature you may be. Being shamed is awful, particularly when what’s being said does not at all reflect who you are or what you intended.
After taking a moment to process, and, not gonna lie, momentarily freak out, I immediately called the shop, spoke to the owner and apologized profusely. I hand delivered flowers the next day. To say I was mortified would be an understatement. She seemed to understand and told me not to worry about it. I also immediately DM’d the designer, asking her to call me or e-mail so we could discuss the issue privately and directly. I didn’t want any trouble. If I had unintentionally made a mistake, I wanted to fix it.
Emails ensued. For some reason, she claimed in a note (with the boutique owner copied) that I had blocked her on IG. I had not. I tried to be respectful and even complimentary. I was not afforded the same courtesy. She spoke down to me, demeaned and dismissed me. I immediately removed all IG photos where I was wearing the item in question, pulled it from the boutique and from my Etsy shop. And even after I did everything she requested, she sent me another email late that evening saying she had no further grievance with me, but then proceeded to school me some more. I did not reply- there was no point. Making matters worse, when the boutique owner (whom I had been friendly with for years through my shopping habit) ultimately found out who this person was, she was somewhat dismissive of me as well. I haven’t been back in since, and while it may sound silly, that felt (and still feels) like a real loss.
I’m not revealing any names, because this is not about shaming anyone. And as a former attorney and business owner myself, I do understand first-hand the need to protect one’s intellectual property and reputation. But I do think there are many life lessons to be learned in all of this, which is why I’ve chosen to share.
First, I was very hard on myself for a long time after it happened; I couldn’t believe I had let it affect me in such a big way. Here I was writing about midlife and the freedom that comes from letting go, from not needing to be perfect, and from no longer worrying what people think. And yet, I was struggling to get past it all.
I couldn’t even look at my little basement studio where I store all of my supplies. Was there something I missed? Was there some way I could have known? Should I have defended myself more vigorously? On and on.
What I’ve come to since, though, is the idea that no matter how mature, evolved and experienced you might be, there will always be setbacks in life. There will be times when you will lose your footing. There will be days when you do not feel okay. You will encounter people who will disregard you. Who will project their own insecurities onto you. Who will cast blame and infer ill-intent where there is none, and make you question things that you long since thought you had figured out. We are all human, and no one is immune to being hurt. And I think just being aware that we are not alone- that we all fall down- can help us heal and regain perspective. Shit will always happen. Always. But when you lead with your heart and from a place of integrity, you will always eventually regain your footing and feel okay once again.
The other point that this experience reinforced is that try as we might, we cannot control other people’s reactions. But we can take our accumulated wisdom and experience and use it to guide and inform our own. To think before we speak or knee-jerk. It’s so important to take a breath and process (or gather) information before jumping to conclusions. It’s funny, in that subsequent late-night e-mail I referenced from the designer, at one point she asked “what would you have done…?” The truth is, what I would have done was something very different. I would have sent a private DM or email as a start. I wouldn’t have assumed the worst before reaching out. I would have taken to heart the idea of women supporting women, rather than taken an opportunity to cut another woman down. I have found in life that meeting people where they are is much more effective than pouncing from my corner. And to do that, to know where another is coming from, you have to communicate. You have to ask questions. You have to at least attempt to understand another's perspective.
I don’t mean to sound like a Pollyanna, but I just believe in operating from a place of empathy and compassion- you never know where someone is coming from or what they are going through (and in fairness, maybe this person was just having a bad day- I’ll never know). But the fact is this, and I think it sometimes gets lost in today’s culture: context matters, and intent matters. At the end of the day, if we could all just be guided by the Golden Rule, I think we’d have a lot fewer problems in this world.
I had a boss in my life when I was younger that used to say Illegitimi non carborundum, which is a mock Latin phrase for "Don't let the bastards grind you down!” This encouragement came in handy, as way back when I was a manager at a law firm that had no shortage of giant egos. I think of him, and of this phrase often as I move through life. Ultimately, I got past this incident, and I’m happy to report that I am back to cluttering up my dining room table with beads, pearls, chains, findings, etc. and once again enjoying the creative outlet that brings me so much joy.
Postscript: Revisiting older pieces is a little like digging up a time capsule; this one was written nearly 4 years ago, but in many ways it feels like much longer, probably because those pandemic years were like a total time warp. I was blissfully unaware at the time that I would lose my mom just a year later, and that’s something I continue to process. I have many amazing memories of her teaching me how to wire, weave, string, crimp, etc., and of her frequent late night texts where she would share her latest project. She was a real artisan, and I feel lucky to have so many of her incredible, wearable works of art, all things she touched and made with love.
Also, that aforementioned son graduated law school this past May, and is about to take the bar exam- send good vibes! xx
As always, I am so grateful you are here- your time is precious and it means the world to me that you take some of it to read this newsletter. If you enjoyed this post, please hit the ❤️ or leave a comment below- I love hearing from you! And if you know someone who would appreciate, please share. Have a wonderful weekend!
Dina xx
I have been struggling to find the time to do much reading recently but your posts always cut through the noise and land straight in my heart. Thank you, as always, for everything you share. I’ve been thinking of you since your last post (I think) about your back pain. I hope it’s eased somewhat since then. Sending love and gratitude ❤️
Thank you, lovely friend, for sharing. Your mom’s smile melts me. 💜